On repeat.

I figured I'd explain the title of my blog, since now the song is stuck in my head again. It's from a song by one of my favorite bands. I always loved the song itself, but it wasn't until I was taking care of my dad in hospice that it really hit home & since then, this song has meant so much more to me. Because it's incredibly true, beautiful, & painful at the same time.

"What Sarah Said"
Death Cab For Cutie

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

Here goes nothing..

I've decided to start this blog for a number of reasons. Most of which stem from my horrible communication skills. I haven't really talked to anyone about my father passing away. At least nothing more than a scientific explanation of where, why, what happened, etc.. It's not that people don't ask. Because they have. It's been 5 months now & I still have people that ask how I'm "doing". I don't even know what that means. Maybe it's because it hasn't sunk in yet, maybe it's because I seem just peachy, mostly I think it's because I don't talk about it so they all want to make sure I'm not going nuts. Maybe that's why I started this. To make sure myself that I'm not going nuts. I guess we'll find out now, won't we?